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2024 Dec 24

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7. Daughters of Another Path

7.Daughters of Another Path

 

FOLLOWING THE PATH INTO MARRIAGE

When Two Become One in Islam

 

 

From the first moment Jodi and Reza told us they wanted to get married, they made it clear that they intended to live in his homeland, Iran. It was at the time that American hostages were being held captive in Iran, and relations between Iran and America were not good. That was really frightening to me. The fact that he was Muslim seemed less important because we anticipated that he would probably convert to Christianity. Besides, we really respected and liked this young man.

The dreaded day had finally arrived. Reza was taking Jodi to Iran to live just as they said they would when they got engaged. They had made a trip to Iran early in their marriage, but now that Reza had his bachelor's degree in engineering plus a master's degree in industrial technology and Jodi had completed her bachelor's degree in nursing, they were ready to go. The war between Iraq and Iran was still being waged. It just didn't seem safe. So far away-would I ever see her again? The scene from Fiddler on the Roof again flooded my mind as I pictured Tevya with his second daughter at the train stop waiting to send her off on the train to Siberia to be with her husband. I heard again the words of his daughter's song, "Far From the Home I Love."

Jodi and Reza sold everything they had except for what they could carry in the four huge suitcases that they would take with them to start life in Iran. They spent the last night with us. They were so excited and happy! Seeing them off that next morning at the airport was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I felt like Jodi was going out of our lives for good. I wanted to lie down on the airport floor and kick and scream. But I kept control until we got to the car where I could safely fall apart. She was gone. I would never see her again. It was as if she were dead. This marriage had torn her from me, taking her to a strange, war-torn land.

But life went on, and I went off on a work trip to Canada. Joe called me there to tell me Jodi had called. Adam had broken in a mountain above Teheran and the water had come through the area where they were living with Reza's parents. Over a thousand people had been killed by the surging water and mud slide, and among the dead was Reza's father who had been drowned in the basement apartment where the family lived. Most things in the apartment were ruined as it was under several feet of mud and water. The family rescued their father's body from the water, cleaned the apartment, and tried to save what they could.

I felt a deep sadness. Yes, I was sad about Reza's father, but I was also over whelmed with another kind of grief. If Jodi had lost everything she had taken with her to Iran. How could she ever remember who we were or her former life? She had nothing left to remind her-all her pictures were gone, all her keep sakes, her papers. I was sure that she would forget, over time, who we were and who she had been. Now her family would be Reza's family, and no doubt we would eventually lose contact.

Three months later we received another call. Jodi and Reza were coming back to the United States. The economy in Iran was difficult as a result of the war. They began to realize that they needed more time to build their financial strength before making the commitment to live in Iran. What a celebration for us! They were coming back. We would have our Jodi and Reza back.

We have had many years now together in the same metropolitan area. The respect and love we had for Reza from the beginning has grown and matured. The role Reza seems to express in his family with his wife and children is similar to that of conservative Christians who feel the responsibility to be head of the family. He takes seriously that leadership for the family while at the same time encouraging Jodi to be a participating partner in their decisions.

If we were to describe all Muslim husbands by the model presented to us by our son-in-law, we would tell you they are gentle, strong, kind, intelligent, courteous, happy, dependable, and nurturing. We are amazed at his knowledge and commitment to practice his religion, his desire that his children grow up to be practicing Muslims and be protected from bad images on TV or movies, his feeling of responsibility to be sure his family is cared for, and his dependable handling of finances. There is also his strong feeling for his family of origin and connectedness to his country of origin.

***

Just as the value of a strong male role model in the home and family is important in the Christian family, so is this strength fostered in the Muslim family. The husband is encouraged to be a strong force in the family, to provide the financial support for the family, and to give leadership in decision-making and religious practices.

Some of the women questioned converted to Islam while they were still single, and they said it was important to them that they marry a Muslim. On the other hand, a non-Muslim woman's introduction to Islam may have come at the time she married a Muslim man. In other instances, a prior interest in Islam may have opened the way for a non-Muslim woman to develop a relationship with a Muslim man.

The husbands in my survey came originally from a variety of countries: Iran, Iraq, Syria, Egypt, Jordan, Palestine, Kuwait, India, Turkey, Lebanon, Pakistan, Kenya, Afghanistan, Oman, Tunisia, Morocco, and United States of America. Many of the men now hold United States or Canadian citizenship and all are well-educated. Some plan to take their families back to their

Country of origin or are already living there; others are committed to living in the United States or Canada with hopes of being in a city where there are large Muslim communities in which to worship and to raise their children.

One of the women who was single when she responded to the questionnaire wrote later to tell me that she had married a wonderful Egyptian man who extended to her and her family care and respect.

* You are probably wondering why I am telling you all of this. I just want you to understand that in Islam the institution of marriage is what has helped me to practice my religion to the fullest amount possible. As an American convert, I found it very hard at first to be a good Muslim and follow all the changes I had to make in my life, even though I did do it gradually. Now with my husband, I feel even more fulfilled. In my heart I know that I have made the right decision. I am most lucky to not have to decide between my family and Islam (because Islam would have won), but I am most lucky because Allah has guided me to the right path. I am not saying I have no problems, but all I do now is look into my heart and read Qur'an and I feel that all is better.

Finding a Muslim Husband

The couples met in a variety of settings just as is common in America-at college, in the job setting, at social activities, or through friends. Here are some stories of those meetings.

* I met my husband playing Bingo. I was sitting by a family friend and it so happened he knew her too. He had a nice smile and was easy to talk to. I had come from a disastrous relationship with an abusive man nine years my senior but many years my junior in maturity. When I met this next man I was in such a bad frame of mind about men it is a wonder I considered marriage again. He didn't mention sex or make remarks or grab my body parts or call me his 01' lady in public. It was refreshing to be treated in such a way. He would never take me anywhere without a chaperon as a witness that he was a gentleman. I felt respect and I liked it.

* I met my husband at college. He was very polite (I noticed that right way) and very good looking. I really wasn't looking for anyone when we met but the first thing I noticed in him, which was always on the top of my list, was his importance of family (loyalty, respect) toward mother and father. He answered questions so patiently.

* I met my husband at the community college I was attending. He was the grill cook. Something just clicked between us. He was kind and nice to talk to. He had a religious feeling about him and was mature in his ideas. Of course, I thought he was handsome too. I liked the lifestyle he offered of a family-based society. I especially thought he was my friend and we agreed easily on many matters including religious. He was a catalyst for my own personal exploration.

* I tutored him in English. He helped me study Islam, but when I converted I could no longer see him-he fully respected my decision to stop seeing him once I became Muslim. Later, several people noticed a "perfect match" for me in the mosque and it turned out to be the same man I had tutored and who had brought me to Islam. I found him to be sincere, gentle, generous, and patient. I fever there would be a "soul mate" for me, he's the one. He has: filled the "holes" of loneliness and need for unconditional love that had not been filled before. My family accepted him completely from the day they met him. They love him dearly, and he is a friend to all of them.

* My husband and I met when we worked in the same restaurant. I was a waitress and he was a dishwasher. He was new in the country and didn't speak English. He seemed honest, uncomplicated, hard-working, and generous.

* I met my husband while in college. We worked at the same Mexican food restaurant. I was attracted to him because he was very hard-working, smart, and conducted himself politely. I was in need of a person to think I was wonderful. He put me on a pedestal and treated me like a queen (even though we were dirt poor) with respect and dignity.

Some of the women had already converted to Islam while still single and met their husbands in other ways. One common way of finding a husband or wife is through advertising in an Islamic magazine or at a matrimonial booth at a Muslim conference. It is not unusual for one who is ready to get married to let Muslim friends know so they can help in looking for a suitable mate. The following excerpts from the questionnaires provide a good overview of the Muslim/Muslim relationship and marriage.

* I met my husband through the imam of the mosque. I accepted him because he was religious. Nothing else really mattered. He had no part in my conversion for I was already a Muslim. My marriage ceremony was all Islamic. I talked to him for two weeks and then decided to marry him two days before Ramadan 1991.

* My marriage was arranged by my request in order to have support (religiously) to help me learn about my Deen (my obligations). I asked my Wali (the one who arranged the marriage) that the man be a good practicing Muslim which was the only characteristic he needed. I wanted a husband that would teach me about Islam in depth and to remind me always of Allah (SWT). I was already Muslim.

My family didn't know him before the marriage. They met him two days before the ceremony, and he asked my parents' permission to marry me the day before. They didn't like him. Now they tolerate him only.

My husband-to-be first came to see me on a Friday night and we were married on the following Sunday afternoon. At our ceremony we invited friends and family. Our wedding was an Islamic wedding. I wore an Islamic dress, not a white gown. We were in separate rooms. The imam came and asked me if I accept [the man] and what I wanted for my Mahar [dowry]. I heard him give a speech about the importance of marriage. At that point my mom walked out saying what a big farce the wedding was. Of course, I cried and was hurt, but we continued the wedding but at a faster pace.

"I met my husband through a marriage ad in an Islamic magazine. A friend of his had put the ad in. [I was too late in responding to the ad for that man, but the] friend gave my letter to [another man,] the one who is now my husband because he was also wanting to get married. We talked on the phone ten to twelve hours a week for six weeks; then he flew to Kansas. We were about 90 percent sure about marriage even before we met, but had to meet to know for sure. We got engaged that day, and did the Islamic marriage (Nikkah) two days later.

I was looking for someone who was a strong Muslim, both in theory and practice--one who lived his life islamically, regardless of how others around him lived. I wanted someone who would be a good provider, because in a marriage it is the man who provides the family with everything, even if the woman has money. I had heard many stories about men who didn't work, or wanted the wife to support them, so I wanted to make sure my husband would work hard for us. The more I got to know about him, the more he seemed to fit this. I had been straight-forward in my letter about wanting a strong Muslim, that I was divorced with a child, (in case it was someone wanting a young virgin), and enclosed my photo.

Even though I didn't ask for his photo right away, he sent one to me. Looks are not important. He and I got to know each other very well on the phone, talking about many things about our lives-Islam, current events (including some that involved Muslims), etc. I made sure his family would accept an American wife [he was from a Muslim country], even one who has divorced with one child from that marriage. But he assured me that wouldn't make a bit of difference to them, that they all chose their mates, and some chose mates from other countries.

We became very close through our phone conversation, and I always looked forward to him calling. If I had a bad day, I wanted to tell him about it so I would feel better. It was like an old-fashioned courtship. Our passions didn't get in the way of getting to know each other. When we met, we realized we were right for each other, and the friendship and affection we felt for each other turned to love. Islam does not allow dating, pre-marital sex, etc. This is a great way to get to know someone, and see if you get along with each other. That is the most important [step], getting to know if someone else is on your level, islamically and personally. If they are, you will love them and be attracted to them.

I wanted someone who was gentle and loving, and I found someone like that. He does not yell at me or hit me, as is the stereotype of Arab men. I have to admit, I thought that all Arab men were controlling and violent, but they are not. He tells me he loves me, and makes sure I know that he does. He is very caring and concerned.

Entering Into a Muslim Marriage

If the couple survives family objections during the courtship period, they prepare to enter into marriage. It is often difficult for the parents of the woman marrying a Muslim from another country. They may feel suspicious of the man's intentions and express fear for their daughter. First-time meetings between the male suitor and the woman's family may be strained. However, in many cases among this sample of women, the family, too, grew to accept and establish a friendship with the husband.

* My parents were unsure about my husband as they didn't get to meet him in person until the night we married. We purposely spent a few days (after our marriage) with them so they could get to know him better. They have grown to love him dearly. In fact, in my father's eyes, he is the son he never had. My mother has confessed that she couldn't wish a nicer husband for me. Considering their veritable objections when they first discovered how I found him, my family has espoused my husband as one of their own.

In the survey I asked for positive stories of those converting to Islam. This is not to ignore the reports of the poor relationships that exist. One woman called me on the phone after receiving the questionnaire and said she couldn't give her name or answer the questionnaire because her experience had not been positive. In fact, she had been married to two different Muslims, both well-educated and one a physician. Both beat her and abused her badly. She was in hiding, afraid for her life.

It is not my intent to glorify Muslim marriage, but I certainly recognize that all Muslim marriages are not catastrophes as the media would lead us to believe. My intention in writing this is to share some positive experiences which contrast with the negative stories in order to present a more balanced picture. Among Muslims there are good, bad, and in-between marriages just like that of other religions and cultures, and abusive relationships may be found. There are even those men from other countries who marry only to have access to the green card (allowing the non-citizen to stay in the United States and work).

* I joined a pen pal club from a newspaper ad and got a letter from an Arab college student. He proposed and I fell for it. He basically married me to get my virginity and his green card. After our divorce I was living in Tennessee. Friends introduced me to another Muslim. He was a religious, simple guy-answered all my questions right, and I wanted a husband and children of my own. My parents were skeptical before our marriage because they didn't think he was any different from my first husband who was Muslim. They accept him now and our three year-old son. We had a simple marriage ceremony at the Islamic Center. Then we went out to eat at Ponderosa Steak House. The reception was fancier but only attended by a few mends of ours. I had a sisters' bachelorette party the night before-fun! It was traditionally Islamic. Then we went to New York for two weeks for our honeymoon.

* I was married before to a Muslim and had a very bad marriage. For five years I was physically and emotionally abused. My advice for anyone who wants to marry is to have a Wali to check the brothers [brothers are the Muslim men] that want to marry. This marriage was bad. After we married he prayed once, got his green card, flirted with women, and finally became a citizen. He has a restaurant,

Married a Muslima from Singapore and brought his family here-all thanks to me being born in the U.S.A I am now happily married to another Muslim.

A Muslim marriage for the women surveyed was by and large very positive, beginning with the ceremony itself, which often differed significantly from traditional western styles. Sometimes the wedding ceremony itself added to the fears and hurts of the family. Families dream of walking their daughter up the aisle of the church and having the minister join her to a man of whom they approve. It will be a sacrament in the Christian tradition with the reception and gifts and fellowship following.

The stories of weddings between a non-Muslim and a Muslim, however, illustrate many differences and varieties of situations. Some did have the large weddings (often blamed on satisfying the parents), but there were also elopements, small weddings before the justice of the peace, and/or Muslim ceremonies.

* We had a special ceremony for a Muslim marrying a non-Muslim (informal) which is called a term marriage. Our term was for ninety-nine years. It was just us and two friends. Then we had a wedding for my family in my parents' church. My father married us and did not refer to Jesus. He was respective of my husband's needs. It was very nice and family-oriented. There were not many problems because I was not Muslim and my husband was not strongly practicing. We also had a third wedding after I became Muslim to celebrate our permanent standing as two Muslims married to each other.

* My family never expressed any opposition to my marriage or to my husband. We were not close. My mother only asked me if I was happy. When I answered yes, she said so was she.

Our marriage was performed by a Baptist minister. Because I had not belonged to any church for many years, I didn't know a minister, so we asked the minister from the church that my roommates attended at the time. It was very simple. We asked to read the ceremony beforehand. The only change we asked for was that the minister replace the words, "In Jesus' name" to "In God's name." The nicest part was the Arab tradition afterwards with singing and dancing.

"We were married by a justice of the peace at a courthouse without my family and with only friends as witnesses. Then a few months later we were married by a Shaikh [Muslim religious leader] in a short ceremony with only one witness.

* There were no cultural elements in our wedding such as cutting and eating cake or sprinkling sugar over our heads. Our wedding was the most basic Islamic marriage, where two people find the need to become partners in life and agree before God to live and work together in harmony and stay away from sins. He read the words of the marriage ceremony in Arabic and I agreed to the marriage. For my dowry he promised to give me my own Arabic Qur'an, which he gave to me sometime later. He gave me items for prayer, including a prayer carpet. After we were married, according to the law of Islam, we went to the county courthouse and were married by a judge. (In Islam, Muslims are advised to follow the rules of the country in which they reside as long as these laws are not contrary to Islam.)

* We had a ceremony at my church not geared to any particular faith. We also had a Nikkah performed at the mosque the day before our wedding ceremony.

* Our marriage ceremony was beautiful! Perfect as others describe it. The day was perfect, sunshine and cool. A string quartet, mansion for a venue, and excellent catered brunch buffet. I understand that it is typical to have Arabic music played at a reception and both of us were in agreement that most of our guests would have been put off by it so we decided on strings. Other than two items, our ceremony was an entirely Islamic ceremony. The two elements that made it not completely Islamic were my father giving me away and that we had guests attend the ceremony. I am glad we had Christian guests at the ceremony because then part of the mystery surrounding Islam was removed.

Relating to the Husband's Family

Another factor is the power that the family of the husband has over acceptance of the wife. Of course, this is something we all have to do in marriage-to work out the relationship with our in-laws, but in this situation there is the added dimension of cultural differences. There is a strong attachment by most of the men to their families of origin and to their homelands, and what that family feels in accepting the wife may be very important. Sometimes it is strong enough to break up a marriage if families disapprove; some learn to live with a poor relationship with the husband's family, but the majority of these women respondents found love, acceptance, and pleasure in knowing their husband's family. They reported good communication between the families by letter and telephone and visits back to the husband's homeland. At times the relatives come to visitor reside in the United States or Canada.

* I have met my husband's family. I was scared to death to meet them-they had bad ideas about American women. They were shocked to see that I cover my face-they were visibly uncomfortable about it. Not a warm welcome, but no one tried to kill me!

We live in my husband's family's home (in his country of origin).I have been here a year, and I have not been accepted-only a few of them have wholeheartedly welcomed me. Most of them have a fear that one day I'll leave and take the kids.

My husband and I truly felt I would be another one of the gang. Well, I'm not even close! I'm not sure I'll ever fit in as a true family member. As we anticipated, we have a lot of problems regarding Islamic practices. My husband's family is very westernized. The benefits of being near them have been for my husband and the kids-a bigger framework to fit into as full, permanent family members.

"My husband's family was there when we married. His mother is Brazilian and converted upon her marriage so they are sympathetic to some of the difficulties. They are living in the U.S. now and will probably (when we can afford a big enough place) live part of the year with us. They will help the children and me with Arabic and also Portuguese. The difficulties will be their poor diet and exercise habits. I'm a health food nut (except for chocolate!) and my husband gets tense and weird around his father but this is improving.

We help support them financially and that does make our lives harder, but they lost everything in ཿ war and again in the Gulf War. They were in Kuwait. They are simple people and so are we.

"My husband's mother is very dear to me and we all cry very hard when the time comes for us to leave. It is like when I visit and leave my own family. Both my parents and his family care deeply for each other and mine sends gifts and calls when we are there.

* I met my husband's family on a trip we made to his country. They are wonderful people, and they have been completely accepting even though I was a divorced American woman with kids who was not even Muslim, because I was important to their son and brother.

There are some areas that I have more or less difficulty fitting in. I'll never get used to having 35 and more relatives who don't think they have to knock, and think our private business is theirs. And I've never gotten comfortable taking off with the women for days at a time at larger gatherings. I made them assign a room to my family at a family wedding so I could get my own husband and children together if I wanted to-weird idea, I know. My husband puts up with my idiosyncrasies fairly well most of the time, and when he doesn't, his mother tells him he had better work out a middle ground with me!

The benefits of relating to his family are that they are really a family with all the good and bad features thereof -something I had not really ever had before in my own family.

* I met dozens of relatives in the first few weeks of being in Egypt, and it was a very stressful experience. Now I can say that his family and I get along well, and I am quite attached to them after having lived with them by myself for two months while my husband was in Saudi working. They've also accepted me, and feel comfortable with me, I think mostly because I showed them I was respectful of them and that I loved their son. The benefit is that I'll learn Arabic. The problem is always being aware of the fact that they're wary of Americans in general.

 

There are those who are even more warmly accepted by their husband's family than by their own. The following letter was written by one woman to her friend in the United States during a visit by the woman and her husband to his parents in Iran.

• I've been here about one week now and everything is so wonderful. I have adopted my mother-in-law for my own. She is so wonderful. This first week has been interesting, meeting his family and trying to remember what customs to use and when. So far my husband has said that everyone says they love me, and I feel like I have been accepted. They treat me like a queen. My mother-in-law kisses me all the time and waits on me hand and foot. Not knowing for sure what to expect when I got here, I did a lot of unnecessary worrying.

We were met at the airport by a lot of his family and it was a very touching moment, one I'll never forget. Mama is like an angel. I can't believe we waited so long to see her. I have spent a lot of time with tears because of what I see here. The family system here is unique with closeness that is beyond words. Some of my tears are due to the fact that I felt more love in one week from his family than from my own flesh who didn't even bother to say goodbye.

Blending Cultures

The women are learning to be Muslim and at the same time, if married to a man from another country, may be incorporating many new cultural elements into the family. The women indicate a blend of American culture, the husband's background traditions, and an effort to interpret all these Islamically.

• Many traditions including those about pets; the way we cook, bathe, and talk; and all manners are from my husband's traditions. My childhood lifestyles are almost 100 percent different now and are not an accepted part of our traditions.

* In some ways our life has taken on much Iranian traditions and culture, including the food we eat and the way the food is prepared, and my hijab [there are many ways to wear hijab]. Many things I do are Iranian but my mannerisms and thinking are still very American.

* There is a blend-no shoes in the house, the manner of washing after using the toilet, answering the phone Assalamu Alaikum (the common greeting among Muslims}-these are mostly Islamic customs. We eat Persian foods about 75 percent of the time.

* Our daily life really doesn't include Iraqi culture -maybe a little Arab culture though. Our children play games in Arabic that my husband played when he was small. At least twice a week my husband teaches the children Arabic and Qur'an.

* Our daily life includes very much the traditions and culture of my husband's country, Syria. Most of my mends are from other countries. Their cultures are also an influence. Most important, my husband's mother is with us for extended visits. She always brings a part of Syria with her. When she is not here, our ways are pretty much American-Muslim. This is a combination of cultures.

* My husband encourages us to learn Arabic and likewise he tries to learn Americanisms such as children's play songs, poems, sayings. We try to blend our cultures comfortably, and we are both accustomed to being around people from other cultures and languages than our own.

* The only culture is Islam. I even try not to follow the American culture. I try to put Islam first in everything I do. My husband's family is very stuck in tradition and Indian culture. This gave us many problems on our visit.

* Our everyday life includes traditions or culture from Iran. How can it not; my husband is Iranian. That will never change. He tells stories, we sing songs, and we eat a lot of Iranian foods.

"Our daily life is just normal everyday living. What is different about our family is that we do try to look at life from an Islamic point of view, and we explain Islam to our children using events that happen in our daily lives.

"Since we are both Muslim, Islam is the main impact on our family. Of course, it is meshed with the foods from his country and small sayings when we wake up, bathe, and sleep. I feel I have created my traditions in our family because I really want an Islamically-oriented family. We have made many new traditions. My husband is very lonely here in America. He misses his family so badly which he left when he was eighteen years old. So I try to make up for his sadness by taking my house role very seriously and lovingly.

The women in this survey seemed relatively happy with their marriages at the time they responded to the questionnaire. They were attracted to these Muslim men from other countries by a variety of characteristics which they saw as mature and positive. Not all the women were married to Muslim men at the time of their conversion; some converted while still single and later wanted to be married to a practicing Muslim. As in any religion, the couple being of "like minds" in their religious practice helps to bring harmony and stability to their lives together.

 

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