It had been three years since Jodi told us of her conversion to Islam. The editor of our church magazine was looking for articles on reconciling relationships in the family, and I felt that I could write about what had happened as Jodi and I worked to heal our relationship. I wrote the story and sent it to Jodi to get her approval to submit it to the magazine. I generally told how devastated we were when she became Muslim and how we had worked at "working it out" in those first few years. My story closed with the following:
A basic concept I have is that God is the God of all the world, who loves all people, moves in their lives, and is basic to their expression of religion. As a result of this growing experience, I can say to my daughter: "Jodi, you will be far away from me when you go to Iran. I shall miss you, but I am thankful that during these past few years we have rebuilt our relationship. I have let go of trying to control your life choices, even though I didn't realize I was doing that. Now I support you in your decisions. I appreciate that you are strong in your faith in God, that you care for other people, and that you have committed your life to goodness. You will be a great blessing to people wherever you are.
"You can always count on me for support and love. Thank you for helping me understand that you are not rejecting us -that you have just chosen a different way to express your calling in life. Thank you for being grateful to us for giving you a firm foundation on which to build your life. Thank you for loving us. You are our daughter, our friend, our window to another part of the world. I love you." (Reprinted by permission, Saints Herald, 132:17, November 1985, pp. 18, 19, 24)
The surprising part was that Jodi not only approved the article but responded by writing her side of the story and how she struggled in her choice to pit her love for her parents against her desire to follow what she had come to believe. Here is her side of the story as told at that time.
And Jodi Mohammadzadeh Responds
Before Reza and I were married, religion was at the head of many of our discussions. Despite the fact that our religions had two very different names and faces, we found that our feelings for God were much alike. Here was a man with whom I could express and explore my religious ideas and feelings. Somehow the questions he stirred in me only brought me closer to him. A feeling of trust and friendship grew between us, and we both realized that we wanted to continue to share and support each other.
Unfortunately, during the time I had been getting to know Reza, my two best friends knew very little about him. How was I going to tell my mother and father that I had found my life's partner? I needed their acceptance and approval in this, as I had needed it for most other things. I trusted these two dear people for their wisdom and wanted them to be pleased now, as I had always wanted them to be pleased with me. But they barely knew Reza, and it would require time and effort to make them as sure as I was.
When we were married, we agreed that we should study each other's religion to have a better understanding of each other's backgrounds. We hoped that this would continue to bring us together in our feelings despite the difference in the names of our faiths. We continued our learning. Reza sometimes went to church with my family and discussed religious concepts with them. I read articles and introductory books on basic Islamic concepts. Neither of us felt the need to convert the other.
Our move to Arkansas put some distance between my family and us. During this time I became increasingly interested in Islam. Reza and I began praying together, and our faith grew. My faith was not only expanding but taking shape. My interest in Islam had matured to the point where it had become part of me.
I had no idea how my parents would take this news. I did not even have a plan of how to tell them. I realized it would hurt them, but I felt confident and comfortable with my decision. I needed their approval--or at least acceptance-and for them to be as pleased as I was. They were not pleased, and they did not approve.
I am only now beginning to realize the strength that my faith provided me that weekend. There was a period when I was unsure whether I had completely broken the bonds between my parents and me or had just stretched them severely. Mom reacted verbally; I could deal with that. Looking withdrawn and deep in thought, Dad said very little. I saw it would take time for them to get over the initial shock and anger, but I did not know how long or what our relationship would be. I did know I was not willing to give up either my new faith or my love for my parents.
After that Thanksgiving, when Reza and I went back to Arkansas, I felt empty and uncertain as a result of the weekend's events. Phone calls home were bland. My dreams were filled with scenes of parental rejection, and I would awake crying hysterically. Like my parents, I felt something was being torn from me. One thought kept me from losing hope. Knowing that my parents were believers in the same God I had come to trust and love so much, I would wait for them, and let God help them heal.
Since I told my family of my conversion to Islam, our relationship has gone through many changes. No doubt it will go through many more. I can honestly say I have never loved and appreciated my parents more than I do now. I would not trade our new relationship for any other.
"Mom and Dad, thank you for trying so hard to be understanding. I will continue to look to you for your wisdom and support. As your friend, I will try to support you too. All my love"-Jodi. (Reprinted by Permission. Saints Herald, 132:17, November 1985, pp. 18, 19, 24.)
Reconciliation was something both of us desired. It didn't mean that Islam was something I wanted to embrace as my own, but1didlearnto appreciate what it was calling my daughter and her friends to be.
***
Change in our lives caused by choices of family members can be very destructive and cause broken relationships. We can become confused in how to relate to each other, and we become upset and frustrated. The hope in all of this is that even in our brokenness, we can experience reconciliation as we move to put the pieces of our relationship back together. The new relationship may reflect a different pattern of relating and acceptance. Reconciliation is a two-way process helping us reach out toward each other to mend our hurt and anger, to adjust to new ways of thinking, and to regain our balance.
Just as the daughters struggle to gain a sense of balance with their parents as they live out their new roles, so do the parents struggle in accepting the daughter's journey in her choice to be Muslim. The women responding to the questionnaire received Parent Questionnaires (Appendix B) that they could share with their parents if they so desired. Seven parents responded to the questionnaires, telling their stories of struggle and adjustment. Responses by both the daughters and the parents indicate that hurt occurred because of lifestyle choices by the daughter that were different from the parents.
The questionnaire for the parents asked for reactions to the conversion of their daughters to Islam. They were to rate on a scale of 1 to 10 (I being completely devastated to 10 being really okay with it) how they first felt about the daughter's conversion to Islam, and they were to rate on a similar scale of 1 to 10 how they felt about it at the time of answering the questionnaire. From 3 to 12 years had passed from the time of the daughters' conversions to the time of completing the questionnaire.
In each case the rating had increased, indicating an improvement in their relationship. If they rated their reaction 1 or 2 at first, the later feeling was a 5 or 6. If they rated their reaction at 6 or 7 at first, they felt an 8 or 9 later. Following are three of the stories of how the parents reacted and have worked through the situation.
Story 1: Acceptance in the Face of Concern
The daughter has been a Muslim for 4 1/2 years. She was raised Catholic, but in her senior year of college, she began a search for her own religion. She quickly went through two other Christian churches. The mother, who is the narrator of this story, rated her feelings regarding the conversion as a 1 at first, but had moved to a 6 at the time of the questionnaire.
My daughter had begun talking with a Muslim man at a store near us and decided to join that faith. We knew she was studying Islam, but she kept her conversion a secret until some ladies of that faith sent her a bouquet of flowers. I've never invaded my children's privacy, but this time I decided to look at the card which read "Congratulations on becoming a Muslim." We didn't say anything to her at the time. I hoped she would confide in us. Then one day, she asked if she could bring a man to meet us. He was [from a Muslim country]. He asked our permission to date our daughter with the intention of marriage. He explained his religion wouldn't allow him to be alone with her unless they were engaged. We were both shocked as we didn't know he existed until 30 minutes before. Her father was quite up-front with him, expressing his dissatisfaction that women were treated "as inferiors" and were forced to wear that old-fashioned garb while men wore what they wanted. I was more polite, but equally shocked. I had hoped my girls would not be afraid to confide in me as I was in my mother, and I was very hurt. She had already been through two religions, and I was worried that she might marry and then find she didn't agree with this one also.
I wasn't crazy about the idea of her marrying a foreigner. They might go there to live and I had heard stories about such cases as the one portrayed in Not Without My Daughter. I had read something about Islam and was impressed with their devotion. I had always assumed Allah and my heavenly Father were the same. I told that to her husband [to be]. We could not withhold permission as she was twenty-five years old, and that if this man treated her okay he would suit me fine as he seemed to suit her. Really we were extremely worried about her mental condition at the time because of several other behaviors and maladjustments in her life.
She was our daughter. We loved her and wanted to continue being a part of her life. I believed that all have a right to their own relationship with God and have the right to live their own life in their own way. We argued, fussed, cried, wrote letters until we were basically satisfied. It was a very trying time for me. I felt out of control. I felt my worst fears had been realized. I went to a doctor and was put on medication for six months for nerves.
We now have a pretty good relationship. We talk, but I don't agree with a lot she says and does. Customs like wearing apparel [covering] bother me. I feel Islamic men are so afraid of their sexuality that the women have the burden of helping them control it. One of her sisters wants to kidnap her and reprogram her. One brother doesn't have much to do with her but the other does. All her siblings love her, but think she is mentally mixed up.
The main points of our stress are our differences in religion (Jesus, Muhammad) and the differing cultural values. We do not dine together because she is not able to be in the same room with male first cousins and brother -in-law. [Note: This seems an unusual cultural restriction when compared with the other stories.]
For celebrations and holidays we don't even invite our daughter because she will not acknowledge our holidays or even our birthdays. She wouldn't go to lunch with me on her birthday for fear it was a celebration. Frankly, I don't like this at all. She wouldn't even come over to have her picture made with us and all five kids because her brother-in-law was also here. I think this is a stupid rule and I think it's more cultural than religious. Her father thinks her husband should do some of the changing, and she shouldn't have to do it all. Her husband and father get into arguments.
Not being able to have friends or male relatives is difficult. We tried having separate rooms for males and females once. All the males except her husband ended up in the living room with the ladies. But I enjoy being with our daughter, and I really like her husband despite the stresses.
Really, a lot of the worries I had about her did not stem from her conversion but from what I observed of her mental state. She told us we were going to hell. We raised her in the wrong faith, and we fed her the wrong foods. So I think part of the problem stemmed from the fact she was going through a crisis of young adulthood (my opinion, not hers). She began not to trust doctors, medicine, synthetic vitamins, and homogenized milk. So what we were dealing with had more to do with our reaction than her actual conversion. I felt she was afraid of sex, afraid of working, afraid of life, and was hiding behind Islam. I still think that's a strong possibility, but she seems happy and to love her husband and her way of life.
So I have to accept and hope she will be able to lead the best life she can. The hope I have for us is that we will learn to accept and respect each other more and that she and her dad will reach an understanding.
This family had to deal with a practice unique to the husband's culture that practice being that his wife (their daughter) evidently should not be in the same room with men other than her immediate family even if she is wearing hijab. The parents are also concerned about other reactions she has had to life.
Story 2: Openness to Diversity and Change
The next family has a history of being more open to and accepting of a variety of cultural settings in which there is more give and take by members of the family. The daughter has been Muslim for seven years. The father holds a Ph.D. in counseling and is employed in a college setting. The mother is deceased and there is a stepmother. There are four adult children from the father's family and four adult children from the stepmother's family. The father, whose story follows, rated his first reaction as a 6 with the later rating as a 9.
My daughter's major in college brought her into contact with international students. From her family orientation, she had a high degree of tolerance for people from other cultures and belief systems. I was widowed, and had married a Jewish woman.
When our daughter went to work in the Saudi Arabian Education Mission, she had opportunities to talk with leaders in the mosque. She called me on the phone to tell me about her conversion. My first reaction was not surprise but concern about how she would deal with the discrimination. She has elected to wear the traditional apparel including covering her head, but she seems to deal with the level of bias she has encountered to date. Seeing how my daughter has adjusted helps me not worry.
Our daughter first became a Muslim, then later got married. The fact that he was younger than she and not established in a career were points of greater concern than the religious issue. This was a third marriage for her. The first ended in divorce. The second to an Egyptian Muslim was dissolved within the Muslim tradition. This one was a quiet marriage, also within the Muslim tradition.
At first there was some distancing among family [members] and her marriage and husband took a while to accept, but this worked both ways for him too. Today everyone is very open. The sisters have become exceptionally close although at times some strain exists with the brothers-in-law.
Values and belief systems pose very little difficulty, but do require lots of tolerance and acceptance on the part of everyone. Our daughter is not evangelical about her Muslim beliefs-she seeks acceptance, not conversion. This helps. Communication is great. We are all well-read and love to share ideas about life, politics, and world affairs.
This experience has had very little effect on my theology and religious commitment. I am well-versed in theology and religion. I have always lived a life of understanding and tolerance. I enjoy knowing about the belief systems of others and have always actively sought to be informed. My present religious orientation is that of an agnostic-identity is with a Unitarian fellowship.
At holidays each person does his or her own thing. The family gatherings are not focused upon religion. We celebrate life and living. We share food. The dietary habits and traditions of Muslim and Jewish are very similar. We are not included in their holidays but acknowledge occasions and respect traditions. We live in a house hold where shoes are removed, diet is mostly vegetarian with some lamb, chicken, and fish. So these matters are natural. Religious objects and art are not part of our household and our daughter's family does not impose these upon us.
The two grandchildren are great. We do truly enjoy them and they are a real source of pleasure.
My greatest concern is discrimination toward her and the grandchildren. My wife lived with this as a child -Jewish in a non-Jewish world. It can be cruel; many so-called Christians hate a lot and hurt others with it. Our son-in-law is Palestinian and most members of his family, including parents, now live in the USA I have real concerns about prospects for a very assertive daughter if a decision were made to live in the Middle East.
My hope for my relationship with my daughter is that it will continue as it is today and that we will be able to have a positive, accepting relationship with grandchildren.
Ours is unique with a mixture of Muslim, Jewish, and Unitarian. We are necessarily tolerant.
The strength of this story is the family's openness to diversity and the added dimension brought to the family by the daughter. This household already embraced religious differences and was able to open the boundaries to accept yet another style of life. Even then, there was need for adjustment and work on the part of both the daughter and her family with the family of origin.
Story 3: From Devastation to Acceptance
In the next family the mother goes from devastation to a very warm acceptance of what her daughter has chosen, but it has happened over a period of many years. The daughter has been Muslim for 12 years. Upon first learning about their daughter becoming Muslim, the mother rated her own feelings regarding the conversion as a 1; the father, a 4. However, both of them rated their feelings at 8 at the time of the questionnaire. The mother shares her story.
When our daughter went to an out-of-city [church] college, we felt confident we were sending her to an environment as close to our home life as possible. We met her new friend from [a Middle Eastern country] when we visited her and liked him. We even invited him to our home one weekend. We never thought that this would become a serious relationship. We thought this daughter was the strongest of all four children when it came to religion. Four months later she told us that she was no longer attending Mass. The next semester when this friend transferred to another college, she wanted to do the same, but we refused to let her. We were hoping this would be the end of the relationship and that she would come out of the "phase" she was in.
The next summer, the friend rented an apartment in our home town, and our daughter moved in with her grandmother since we were not getting along very well. She announced to us the latter part of June that she was going to many him in August, ''with or without us." We reluctantly went along with the plans but none of us believed this wedding would ever happen. But it did happen at our home by a judge which was a compromise since she had not yet converted to Islam. His parents had not yet been told of the marriage, so we did not have the support from his family to confirm our objections.
It was a few months later she told us she was converting. I responded to that news with anger, hurt, and fear. The anger was aimed at my son-in-law mostly since we were convinced that our daughter never would have made this decision unless she had been brainwashed. It hurt because it appeared at the time to be so easy for her to give up a life time of instruction and living with our lives centered around Jesus Christ. The fact that she could just reject these teachings in just a few months was devastating. The fear at first was that our other children might do the same since she was the oldest child, and they all looked up to her and respected her opinions.
As time went on we became more aware of the Middle East and listened carefully to the news and reports of terrorists from that area. Then the fear was for her. As long as her husband was in college, we felt certain they would not leave the United States, but we did not know what might happen when he was finished. After they had their first son, we were more afraid than ever that he [her husband] would want to take them to his country. This fear somewhat was eased when he became an American citizen. We tried to relax a little and try trusting. We were not only worried about her earthly life but her heavenly life as well.
The scripture that kept haunting me was John 14:6: "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the father but through me." 1 decided that ifthe scripture was bothering me, it was going to have to be another scripture that relieved me. So I began reading that chapter word by word. In the very first verse 1 got the inspiration I needed. "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Have faith in God and faith in me. In my Father's house there are many dwelling places." This scripture said to me that if there are many dwelling places then there must be many roads leading to these places. Jesus is preparing a place for Christians and Mohammad is preparing a place for Muslims. God just picked a different road for our daughter to follow, and she is following it the best she can. Which is exactly what we are all trying to do. No one in this family will try to add obstacles or bumps in her road to make it more difficult for her. This was the main story that helped me adjust.
I'm going to add a little story that helped confirm my insights. One day my oldest grandson was very insistent that I learn the Arabic language. When I asked him why he thought I should, he responded, "Because when you die the angels will come and ask you certain questions in Arabic, and you will have to know how to answer them or you will go to hell." I knew by the tone of his voice that my answer to him had to be a good one, and it turned out to be the answer to myself also. 1 told him, "We each have our own private angels that know exactly what is in our hearts. I will know the answers to my angel's questions, and you will know the answers to yours." He appeared relieved and I felt very relieved.
To me the answer to the differences in our faith is just that simple. It was also helpful seeing our daughter as a mother and knowing that many of our basic values were being passed on. She is a very caring and delightful daughter and a wonderful mother of now two boys ages 10 and 3.We still have a loving relationship that all of us work very hard to keep. We have a good family foundation, and I'm sure it will withstand any differences we may face in years to come.
We are fortunate that they do partake in family Christmas festivities. They think of it as their "Eid" sharing time with us. When Eid really arrives, they share it with her husband's family and friends. I don't know if that will last forever, but for now that is how we handle it. We do not celebrate Islamic celebrations with them only to acknowledge them and respect the value they have in their lives.
Each family's story is different, but in these three stories each family wants to work with the situation. Although cares and concerns are still present, they are working out how to relate. As family, we are always in relationship whether it is positive or negative. Parents may have feelings of betrayal, of being wounded or fractured. The way parents react to the daughter may cause the same feelings in her. At some point in the process of reconciliation there has to be a decision of how to handle the hurt and how to allow that to affect oneself Many times we are mindless about our relationship and are not aware of how we are treating others. We are so quick to defend ourselves, so quick to pull our heads into our shells like a turtle, so resistant at times to anything that is outside our understanding.
Steps toward Reconciliation
There are common threads in the three stories shared by these parents that are played out differently in each situation. These common threads can help us navigate in positive ways through relationship building and maintenance in our own situations of reconciliation.
First, there was an innate yearning to maintain the relationship even though deep hurt and separation had occurred. In Story 1 the mother states that "we loved her and wanted to continue being a part of her life." My own experience of reconciliation was one of wanting to make the relationship good. It didn't happen immediately. In fact it would have been easy to have gotten stuck in the resistance mode, which was my first reaction. I was so angry and hurt that I wanted to walk away from Jodi and Reza, get them out of my life, and never have to deal with them and "that problem" again. For me that phase of wanting to completely reject them lasted only a short time-just overnight. How grateful I am for the experience that helped direct me towards a desire for healing to take place. It still hurt and it took months of grieving to feel okay; it took several years to come to a comfortable level of acceptance.
Another thread that assisted in rebuilding the relationship was the willingness to try to understand what the daughter was choosing. In her deep longing for release, one mother searched the scriptures and found help that kept the lines for acceptance open. This may be an almost forced effort, an act of the will at first, to take this step of openness, but parents with a strong sense of values should be able to risk hearing and seeing and feeling what their daughter is experiencing. The daughter may have "moved" too far away from the family to the point that there are feelings she has transgressed against the family, and the family actually feels injured. Each family member must make the decision of how to react. Some things the daughter has chosen may be beyond the capacity of the family to accept. In that case, retreat may be the best approach.
In this step of trying to understand, one can search out resources to read and learn about what the daughter has chosen. A caution here: what is read may reflect Western views or may be culturally slanted. There are also various interpretations within the Muslim community, and they don't always agree. Books might be selected from the bibliography at the end of this book or from suggestions offered by the Muslim daughter. This is prime time to start thinking through a personal theology and belief system and strengthen one's own spiritual life. Many times we have accepted beliefs we haven't even examined; we have heard our preacher say it or it was on a religious program or "that's the way Grandma believed."
With the desire to reconcile in place and the openness to understand, one then needs to identify and confront the factors that are important from the parents' point of view and to identify their feelings whether it be rejection, frustration or lack of control. The family members may need to be gentle with themselves until strong enough to start the journey of relationship-building again, taking time to work through the denial, the anger, and the depression. Some members of the family may even need to seek out counseling to help work through feelings of anger or grief.
One factor that may be identified is anger which is a natural emotion in such circumstances, but it is important to express it in appropriate ways, so that healing and reconciliation can happen. Even in this situation, God's healing love and forgiveness is present, and family members can find release and can come to a sense of the problem by letting go of the hurt; otherwise there will be feelings of being burdened and diseased.
Another factor that may be identified as a concern is our inability to let go of control, to let go of the young adult offspring which is a difficult task for many parents whether or not their daughter has turned to Islam. A parent may already be experiencing anxiety, loss, and grief as a natural phenomenon of letting go. When a daughter makes choices with which the parents are so unfamiliar, it may compound the situation with feelings of fear, uncertainty, and failure. It is important to understand that some of the feelings that a parent is experiencing may not be directly related to the daughter's conversion.
Still another factor is that the daughter may not be in a readiness mode to work on the relationship, and thus, there is the possibility for more feelings of rejection on our part. She may be trying to gain strength and re-freeze in the new roles she has chosen before facing the power of her parents. Many elements of change may be affecting her at once--education or work, new religion, new cultural expectations, new marriage, the transition into adulthood. For most of the women in the study, several of these factors were present.
The fourth element is that of hope. These situations are not usually settled immediately. There will be a lot of steps forward and then some steps backwards in building and maintaining the relationship. There may be times when the daughter has to retreat and is not ready to continue work on the relationship. Likewise, there will be instances when we must take time for personal grief and growth while keeping the lines of communication open. It is the sense of hope that allows us to be patient with our daughter as we must be with ourselves.
Well-meaning friends and relatives may dash our hope as they react with comments like the following: "Oh, your poor daughter-she will go to hell. We will pray for her."
"All women are treated so terribly over there."
"What will she do if the husband leaves her and takes the children to his country?"
"That is just about the worst thing that could happen." Such reactions are not meant to hurt but to sympathize and reinforce what they perceive as our reality. On the other hand, some people are able to be listeners, to question, to empathize with our concerns. Talking with them helps us reflect what we are feeling and helps clarify the confusion within us.
If we can be cognizant of these common threads or basic steps of opening ourselves by desiring to relate, by being open to understanding and acceptance, by identifying and confronting our own feelings, and by remaining hopeful, then we are in a growth mode for reconciliation. We can thus deal with our anger, fears, and grief; we can find help through the passage of time. Using techniques of prayer, relaxation, calmness, and visualization can help us keep from sinking into depths of despair and wallowing in it. Even though we may not want to join our daughter in her path, we will be able to journey with her from our own pathway.
Mohtadeen.Com
