Jodi and I sat in the family room that evening on Thanksgiving Day, just the two of us. At last I knew I had to listen. I wanted to be sure I could go over at a later time what she would say to me-this was important! I knew I was too emotionally distraught to be logical, so I set up the tape recorder to record our conversation. The following excerpts are taken from that recorded conversation between Jodi and me.
She began. ''Last July I decided to change to Islam, not drastic at first but this last month I decided to wear the cover. So I wear it every day, and it is my own choice. This was all on my own. Reza is happy about it, but he didn't ask me to do it. I wanted to tell you and let you ask any questions you have. I have chosen this for me. I will help you work it through, if you want to work it through. That is all I can offer. I'm willing to take all the nasty comments or whatever you want to dish out. It's not going to be easy for me to be on the 'wrong' side... although I don't feel like either of us is on the wrong side; we just have made different choices. I have other things I want to say, but I'd like to hear your expression."
I responded. "I'm very hurt because of this. There were several things I asked you to do and wanted you to do-to hear about Christianity from an adult point of view, from someone who really knows. I feel that you made no effort to do that. I'm very disappointed you didn't follow through on that. I am very angry and have been for a long time. For the last few months it has been like you are dying and slipping away from us. It's like we are in constant grieving."
"Mom, this is my own decision. It is not a rejection of you. I don't want to hurt you; I feel like I can express myself through this. I've come a long way from what I was."
"What do you expect from us as parents?"
''I don't know that I expect anything. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not going to be around. I don't even know how long my life is going to be. Maybe it's just a dream, but I have been feeling like there are certain things I have to do in Islam. I have asked other people if they have these feelings and they say no. They have hopes and dreams, but mine is more a feeling that I have a certain way to go. My life may be hard and I will have to be a strong person, but if I am strong enough I can make it."
"So how do we fit into your life, Jodi?" I asked. "I see you as being very far away, and I see you as being the building blocks for what I am."
''I feel like you are saying what you have had-what we have given you-is not good enough, and you are going to junk all that and reject everything about us. You're breaking all your ties like you don't care about anything in the past."
"Mom, I first felt that when I was at our church youth camp as a teenager. They were talking about how the disciples laid down everything and followed Jesus, and the material things were not that important; they even left their families. I started to think there were so many things I couldn't give up. I couldn't give up my records-I loved to play them. I was soul-searching at that point. No, I couldn't give up several things. It would surely take a strong person to give things up and go follow Jesus in that way. No, I could never do that, and I was sad about it. But then there came a time when I realized that for once in my life I didn't care about the material things, that other things were more important-the spiritual life and relationships."
Love was such an easy game to play! Oh, how I long for yesterday!" I prayed, "God that is just how I feel. I long for yesterday when it was so much easier with Jodi."
Then the Beatles sang another song: "Hey Jude, don't be sad; Take a sad song and make it better." That hit me because I wanted to take this sad song and make it a glad song. A positive feeling came over me. The healing process was beginning. When Jodi and Reza left to go back to Arkansas, I was able to put my arms around them and say: "I want to work it through. Please help me. I love you so much. I want my daughter back, and I'll learn to accept what you have chosen." I could not risk losing my daughter and son-in-law. I would do whatever it took to heal the relationship.
***
Religious decisions are often among the most intense types of trauma in family life. Emotions run high, and reactions to such decisions lead to changes that may cause separation in families. The journey toward acceptance, if it occurs at all, may be long and arduous.
The respondents, sharing their personal stories about initial parental responses, reflect everything from acceptance to complete cut off and rejection. Forty-six percent ranked their parents' responses at first as negative and stressful, while 23 percent indicated they were accepted in an "okay manner" without much stress and anger. Fourteen percent said their parents were very accepting and supportive. Some indicated it was not a choice for the parents to accept or reject; it was none of their business what their children chose to do as adults.
Overtime, healing, where needed, has begun to take place in a majority of the families. Most of the women have seen great improvement in their relationships with and acceptance by family members although a few have been cut off with no relationship worked out. Sometimes physical distance works for them as a positive contribution to the relationship because they are not close enough to need to work through day-to-day contact. In other situations, however, the distance keeps the relationship frozen at the status quo with no movement toward resolution.
The women wrote of various reactions and stages that families may go through when faced with their daughter's choice to become Muslim.
Accepting the Choice
There are those families who were open and accepting to their daughter's choice to convert, especially after initial concerns were dealt with and the parents felt assurance that their daughters would be okay.
* After my conversion, I presented myself wearing hijab. I explained myself to them. I never worried much about my family. I knew they would accept what I was happy with. I had one brother who would tease me and tell me to take off my scarf. I think it was easy for me to become Muslim because I knew I could depend on my family not to tum their back. I explained and answered questions freely. I gave my dad the Qur'an to read.
* My choice to be Muslim has not affected my relationship with my family of origin. My mother is glad that I am a more religious person. She is happy for me. She doesn't know much about the Islamic religion, but she knows that I believe in the one and only God so she has been accepting of my conversion. We don't live close to my family of origin.
* When I came to Islam and told my parents, my father was understanding and supportive. My mother was apprehensive. I feel she was apprehensive because of several factors: (1) her love for me and wanting the best for me; (2) the stereotypes associated with women's role in Islam;(3) a journey to Beirut [she made]when she was younger; and (4) a serious relationship she had with a Muslim man. I think my mom wanted me to be certain of all aspects of the religion before I made a decision. Most mothers want the best for their children and want to protect them, and we all are aware of the attitude toward Islam in today's society. I would like to stress that not once did my mom not support me in my decision; she only voiced her concerns, which is just what I was looking for when I told my parents--questions, concerns, and comments.
* Unfortunately we haven't yet been able to visit my family in Switzerland (however, it is in our plans). They had to come to the United States when I converted and married. Once they had reassured themselves that I was okay, that my husband was lovable, they accepted my decision. Questions abound however. We probably will be talking a great deal. My prayer is to have my father become Muslim, since in his heart he already is.
* I have no family of origin except a brother whom I haven't seen since long before my conversion. I think he is fairly pleased with my conversion because he can see that I am setting more realistic goals.
* I have had no major problems with my family. They have accepted me as Muslim as long as it is what I want. Some of them think I'm crazy because I'm wearing the hijab and my husband acts more like an American. We have never gotten into any fights though. We spend as much time as we can with each other in person or by phone.
* My family is okay with me. There was never any problem because I was quiet about my reasons for changing my lifestyle. My parents watched my attitude change in college. I came home with an Afro hairstyle, and they nearly died. I had the first divorce in the family. That was high on their no-no list. By the time they realized I had a life of my own, they just wished me the best and never have criticized me or Islam. They are just happy I believe in God and have kept good morals and values and passed them on to my sons.
These families were able to make the adjustment to accept their daughter's decision once they felt confident that she would be safe and understood to some extent the intentions and commitment. Perhaps these families were also the kind to let go and let their daughter be an individual with boundaries of her own whether or not she became Muslim. This does not meant here will not be future relationships to work out; family relationships are always sin flux, shifting and repositioning as time and life go on.
Acceptance with Reservations
Seeing daughters embrace another religious tradition may leave family members feeling as if an unseen but deeply felt chasm separates them. This sense of separation is felt by brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends although the level of acceptance varies among family members. Some may accept readily; others may not be able to be open at all. Brothers or sisters maybe embarrassed to be seen in public with their sister's new mode of dress and cover. Grandparents may not understand how this beloved grandchild could make such a choice, but they may be the ones who maintain contact as may other extended family members.
Some families fear their daughter is going to hell for her denial of Christ. They are pushed theologically to work through the Christian concept of salvation in regard to their daughter, and they struggle to find a satisfying level of comfort concerning this issue.
* With the exception of my mother, my family took my conversion in stride. To this day I still feel as if she begrudges me for my decision to convert. I hope, Insha'Allah, she can fully accept my lifestyle someday. Last Fourth of July we had a picnic that turned ugly because we got on the subject of politics and the World Trade Center, which in tum came down to Christianity verses Islam. I resolved the situation by making it clear that if she was telling me to tum away from Islam, I would never see her again. She relented, but I feel she wasn't quite sincere.
* I have a very small family, one sister. I don't have contact with my mother-my father raised both my sister and me. My sister is university-educated and has studied religions, so she totally accepted my decision to convert and accepted my marrying an Arab Muslim.
My father has had a harder time accepting it. He hasn't gone to church since before I stopped going, but he thinks that I should act "American," dress like everyone else, celebrate Christmas like everybody else-basically, and not be different than others. But he is beginning to accept my life as a Muslim and that my daughter will be raised a Muslim.
* My family always saw me as the "weird" one, so when I called and told them of my "new" religion, they just waited to see when I'd lose interest. Years later, my mother made comments about how I [had] changed and why I didn't stay in the religion I was raised in (we only went to church on Easter). She and my dad accept it, but I think my mom wishes I'd "go back." They especially dislike me staying home versus working, although they support my home school efforts. My parents are very hands-off. They accepted my first name [Muslim name] change easily.
My father seems more accepting, maybe even approving. He likes my dress (my mom is embarrassed) and has even read some of my books.
* My parents were very upset when they first learned of my conversion. I think they hoped it was a "phase" I'd go through and grow out of. My dad read the whole Qur'an, my mom took a course in her church about Islam and so they both learned more about it and now feel more comfortable with it. I don't think they will ever become Muslim, but I hope they do. My sister is a fundamentalist Christian and refuses to talk about it. She is upset that I will be going to hell when I die and prays for me all the time. We have a good relationship otherwise, and it is understood that neither one of us should bring up religion unless we want to argue.
* My relationship with my parents is fine. They are quite understanding about my conversion and are very open minded. My grandmother is not very happy about me being a Muslim. She denied the fact that the local paper reported that I was a Muslim. She said it was a mistake and I told her it was not. I hope that someday my grandmother will understand my desire to be a Muslim. The only stress is with my grandmother. I wish I could be open with her regarding my faith. I have no difficulties with my parents. In fact I love to visit them and even my grandmother is fun to talk to if we leave religion out of the discussion.
* They were very upset at first but now they reluctantly accept it. My father got very angry and twisted my arm and told me about my hijab, to "take that thing off because I don't want to be seen with you in public." This happened in 1983.
I hope to remain close to them. But I also plan to live where the Muslims are, which will separate us by miles. I know Islam is against severing blood ties (a major sin mentioned in the Qur'an). I really love my mom, brothers, and sisters.
There is a tremendous struggle in adjusting relationships to find acceptable ways of relating with this daughter who has forsaken the parents' path and is so different now. The chasm is so wide and affects the relationship physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Despite the resistance at first to the daughter's changing path, there is a gradual acceptance and bridging of the separation. This bridging no doubt comes out of the intense need for love by the daughter for her family and the family's need to have their daughter close in relationship.
Working toward Acceptance
Although families may have reacted with shock and grief at first, they were willing to work through their relationship with their daughter. Their Willingness to work on the relationship was often motivated by other circumstances such as the birth of a baby to the Muslim couple. The movement toward acceptance may come with the passage of time, perhaps after the family of origin recognizes that what the daughter had chosen was not just a phase in her life. At times the commitment to work it out seems to come more from the daughter than from the family. Such drastic changes in lifestyles, religion, dress, and tradition made the husband an easy mark for some families to shift the blame from their daughter to her husband. Some of the women made the change to Islam while still living in their parents' home. All of these situations required time, effort, and work on the part of both the family and the daughter to come to some level of acceptance. These families are still working on that process of acceptance.
* When I embraced Islam, I told my family. They were not surprised. They saw it coming from my actions and what I said when I was home that summer. They accepted my decision and knew that I was sincere. Even before, my family always accepted my activities and my deep faith, even if they didn't share it.
They were not as open-minded, however, when I started to wear the hijab. They worried that I was cutting myself off from society, that I would be discriminated against, that it would discourage me from reaching my goals, and they were embarrassed to be seen with me. They thought it was too radical. They didn't mind if I had a different faith, but they didn't like it to affect my life in an outward way.
It has been three years and a lot has changed. My family recognizes that I didn't destroy my life. They see that Islam has brought me happiness, not pain and sorrow. They are proud of my accomplishments and can see that I am truly happy and at peace. Our relationship is back to normal and they are looking forward to our visit next month, Insha'Allah.
* Upon becoming a Muslim, I felt that my parents were disappointed in me. Telling them that I was a Muslim was like a slap in the face to them. It was as if I had rejected everything they had taught me as a child-everything that they had learned from their parents. It was good enough for them, so why was it not good enough for me? My brothers were sixteen, fourteen, and eleven years old when I converted, and they were not really concerned about me. Lt was my choice and I had the right to do what I wanted. My other relatives are still friendly with me by telephone, but when my husband and I visit them in person, they seem tense and aloof even ignoring us at times and talking to each other as if we were not even there. No one in my family has been interested in Islam and none of them want to become a Muslim.
My mother used to wish that my husband would go back to Iran and leave me behind. She imagined that I would then leave Islam and be the daughter she had before. After four years of marriage, my husband went overseas and returned about six weeks later. My mother realized he was not going to leave me and slowly began to accept my conversion to Islam.
Then I discussed my beliefs and practices with her, and she accepted me unconditionally. She realized I had chosen to believe as I do. She said she and my dad were too old to change their ways. After my thirteen years of marriage, she told me that I looked beautiful in my head scarf just like the statues of the Virgin Mary.
When my brother, who is a minister, wrote me a letter and said that my husband, our little children, and I would be going to hell for our beliefs, my mother disagreed with him. She said that she believed there were sever always to get close to God and that she did not think we would go to hell. Five years later she passed away, may God grant her peace, and the last time I spoke to her she talked about not being afraid to die. She said she was not worried about me, but she did worry about my three brothers, including the Christian minister. She may-have finally come to accept Islam as truthful even though she could not practice it herself.
* My husband and I are in a unique situation because we both still live in my parents' house. They are very understanding and have not openly expressed any feelings against our beliefs, and my mother always takes care to only make pork for my father when we are eating out. We usually get together with my grandparents around holidays and they usually give us gifts. I learned from when I was a Jehovah's Witness not to try to "spoil their fun" by refusing gifts.
There have been small matters of difficulty such as fighting with my mother over the length of the clothes she makes for me. "Why do you want them so ridiculously long?!" and her frustration when I told her I could not eat food made with gelatin either (since it is usually made from pork). All in all, she has become more understanding over time, even realizing by herself that the American media purposely portrays Muslims in a bad light, now that she knows what we are really like.
I hope in the future we will be able to discuss more about our specific beliefs, which we haven't done much, and also discuss more with my father, who has basically no interest in religion of any kind.
* Initially my conversion to Islam caused major conflicts with my family. They were not supportive and felt that I was being misguided and brainwashed by my husband. This later changed for two reasons: (1) they realized this wasn't a fad or change I was going through, and if they wanted to have any contact with me they would have to accept me as Muslim, and (2) once my children were born and being raised Muslim, it was hard for them to deal with the children in the same negative manner.
I've tried to speak to my family about Islam in hopes that I can help them to live and die as Muslims.
* At first my mother and father were shocked. My father blamed my husband. Although the two had been the best of friends, after my conversion my father rarely spoke to my husband for an entire year. Many family squabbles have come out of my conversion. Most of the intolerance was on my mom's side of the family. To them I had become a devil worshipper who had denounced Christ. However, at a recent family reunion, I had been upgraded to a Christian who just didn't know [how] to accept and claim the healing of Christ. I've learned not to discuss religion with them.
Now my mom tells me what color of scarves look best on me and compliments me often. She has grown to accept it. I just wish my parents would ask me what I believe and read some of the Qur'an.
* My choice to become a Muslim has made a difference in my relationship with my family-it is very stressful. I feel as though they think it's a stage of life I'm going through. It has been four years now and things are still a bit weird. I feel a little rejection. I would like for my family to be open with me and ask questions, instead of taking the facts of Islam from the media or other wrong sources. The most stressful thing I feel is that my family blames my husband for my conversion to Islam.
I like to be the best example of a Muslim when I visit my family, but I get very sad knowing they are not Muslims. My mom always tells me she wished my other two sisters were as good a mother as me. Being a good mom is part of being a good Muslim.
How fortunate were these women whose families made some effort at reconciliation and understanding. Often parents feel that decisions made by children in the young adult years are impulsive and frivolous. Although that is a possibility, time has demonstrated that the daughter's commitment is lasting and the change in her lifestyle is permanent.
Turning Their Backs on Acceptance
Some families seemed to be unable to tolerate the change. They felt safer by breaking off relationships completely or having very little to do with their daughter. For some of the converts, the life style of the family of origin is so different from what their life as a Muslim requires that they have chosen to stay removed from the family. The family's lack of acceptance seems to stem from two basic problems: (1) a lack of understanding about the choice or (2) a refusal to understand the choice. Families may learn to get along on a surface basis but feel uncomfortable if it goes beyond that. Serious discussion maybe difficult in these families, and an undercurrent of blame and hostility maybe present.
* Since I took my shahada, my family has grown farther apart from me in our relationship. I ask Allah (SWT) to give them guidance and the blessing that Allah (SWT) gave me—a future to work for in the hereafter.1hopefor them to respect me and my religion. They thought the religious part was acultand1wouldoutgrow it, until they saw how serious I was and then had an arranged marriage. The marriage to my husband was a main point of stress. My family rarely visits me. They have visited three times in twelve years. The first five years they only made problems with me and refused to visit.
* I knew1wasinfor major changes and disappointments. My family was number one. But to this day, I am not welcomed in their home. I went to visit them last September, and not only did they give me a hard time but refused to meet or allow my husband in their home. In fact, we were told to get going before the neighbors saw us in front of their house. That was the first time I had seen them for years.
* Since I became Muslim I have unfortunately lost contact with many family members. This bothers me, but it has been their choice. Little by little, things are improving, however. During the past few months, several family members have contacted me, so there's hope. My father's main objection-because it's the most visible aspect of my beliefs--is wearing the hijab. He doesn't understand or approve of it. My family does not, as a general rule, know much about Islam nor do they care to know.
* At first my parents were mad. This was because they did not understand Islam. When I started wearing hijab one and a half years after becoming a Muslim, the real trouble began. My sister still thinks I am weird and crazy and does not have much to do with me.
* I feel distant from my family. I was very close to my brother and sisters, but now we are not as close. Religion is a very touchy subject even though I have convinced them to a certain extent that what we were following as Catholics was not all right. I feel very distant from my parents. My mother doesn't want to believe that the book (the Bible) she has been following has been changed or that Islam is the right way. She doesn't understand why I cover and don't eat food with pork by-products.
I've never opened the subject with my father. He's not very educated and he's "stuck in his ways." I really want to talk to him about it, but I don't know how or even what to say.
Most of my family think I became a Muslim for my husband's sake. They just don't understand that I truly believe in Islam with all my heart, so much that I want to preach to them the truth about Islam until they say they believe it and take shahada.
* I know they think my husband forced me into Islam and they refuse to believe otherwise. I hoped that my mom could accept me as I am, and accept the fact that it was and is still my choice. I made the best decision of my life in choosing Islam! They refuse to acknowledge that we even believe in God, and therefore, believe we are going to hell! I hate their stubbornness!
My mother does not respect my husband's opinion on anything and won't ask him his opinion. When he tries to talk to Mom about Christianity, to get things out in the open, she refuses to talk about it; she will not even consider our point of view. My husband is very aggressive and demanding when he talks debates with someone, but he wants so badly for her to see our side of it; he doesn't want to give up even if it regresses into a shouting match. But Mom is not used to people standing up to her. Certainly not me! My husband does not understand how something so obvious and clear to him isn't the same to someone else.
* They really didn't comment on my marrying a Muslim a whole lot. When we first got married, some of my extended family objected-s especially my grandfather-not because he was Muslim but because he wasn't American. He didn't want one of those "damn foreigners" in the family. He didn't talk to me for a couple of months. But his wife got on his case and told him it wasn't the right thing to do, to either let go of it and leave things as they were or he might lose me in the process. One time a cousin suggested that maybe my husband would convert to Christianity.
We are not a close family in that we discuss things. It tends to be mostly surface talk. One time my brother five years younger than me was asking my husband about the beliefs of the Muslims. But my dad soon let him know that was not to be discussed, so early on it was made clear that religion was not atopic to be discussed. I told my husband that I wished it was not like this, but there isn't a lot of emotional attachment.
* My parents had to accept my change. I wasn't going to go back to Christianity or Americanism just for them. They are not open-minded, but I do my best to maintain and encourage contact, in whatever way we can afford.
I hope my parents, and all non-Muslims, will find Islam. I also accept the filet that individuals are responsible for their own actions and I will have to testify according thereto.
I don't try to push my family, or anyone into anything. If they bother me, which is often, I just pray about it and try not to let it "eat on me."
* There are still are as left behind that cause me grief and loss which are not feeling or getting close to my mother, sisters and friends; also being close to my grandmother who tries so hard to understand and accept me and my lifestyle but hasn't gotten it yet.
* I have not worked it out with my parents. It has been almost three years this November since they have seen us, and they still want nothing to do with any of us. My brother has done the same. My aunt talks to me, but she says things like my belief is of the devil. I don't have to worry about the holidays with my family because for nearly three years I haven't had a relationship with them.
* My decision to convert to Islam brought mixed results from my family. My father and step mother (my mother is deceased) totally rejected me because of it. We did not speak for more than five years. My grandparents have always made me feel welcome, but they make no bones about the fact that they totally disagree with what I'm doing.
These women might not have had the support of their families in whatever situation they chose for themselves, but certainly they have to be strong to make it without the support of their families of origin. There may well be movement in the relationship as the years go by. Family crisis, change of heart, or overwhelming need are but a few motivators for reconsidering the relationship.
Acceptance Not a Family Issue
The view expressed by two women converts was that their families of origin didn't have any say about their choice. They felt it really was not any of their family's business and if the daughter's decision was disturbing, it was the family's problem, not the daughter's.
* The effect on my family members is nonexistent. I a man adult, and I choose to do what I want. We conduct ourselves as adults and do not ask for permission to live our lives. Religion is not an outward part of my parents' lives, and we do not talk about religious matters unless asked. When we move overseas, I hope they will understand, but if they don't, that is an issue that they will have to deal with.
* Becoming Muslim has no effect on my relationship with my family. They knew they could accept or reject my religion; either way they had no influence. My husband (non-Muslim) accepted my changes because he respects me as a person.
I live in the West [of the United States] and my relatives live in the East/Midwest. I feel as though they will never fully understand. But after they found out I was a Muslim, and since there was no one that influenced me to make the choice, they accepted that Allah (SWT) guides who Allah wills.
In no instance did the questionnaire responses reflect that the women were becoming Muslim in order to anger their parents or family of origin or to try to get back at them in any way. Most were cognizant that relationships would be strained by their actions and tried to find ways to soften the news of their conversion. But for the women, this new found faith was worth even the loss of their families if that was the only way it could be. They had chosen their path, and they intended to walk it.
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